we have pet lesbian snakes
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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