8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
