Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
