my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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