you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
