She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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