I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
