Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
