In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
