Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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