Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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