Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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