he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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