Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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