I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i love accidental penises.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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