Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
