My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
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