none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
