Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
