she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She told me I should be a condom model.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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