you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sober January is a disaster.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
