Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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