Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
