We won't sleep together?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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