I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
