I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
