get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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