I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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