The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
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Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
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Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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