I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
