Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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