im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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