"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
how does that bad decision feel?
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