Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
