Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
