is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
