I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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