Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize