I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
