Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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