I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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