I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
