just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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