Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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