what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
