I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Pants are for mortals
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
