im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
