They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
