kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
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NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
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The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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