he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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