You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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