and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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