3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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